


Science Teachers Are the True Evil

by yourmothersmeatloaf



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Shenanigans, cute jake, egderp, why dave you doofus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-09 03:12:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3234125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourmothersmeatloaf/pseuds/yourmothersmeatloaf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This has an extremely unfortunate beginning, being placed in a science classroom...Quite awful. I am sorry to anyone that I offend with my torturous view on said Science Guys. :}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

now lets be completely honest here, this will probably never be finished

So, I guess we can start this off in the most mundane cliche you could possibly ask of me;  
Hello, my name is Dirk Strider. I’m sixteen years old and am currently trapped in the second story science classroom in my high school. The long days were only getting longer and hotter. While the science classes were always slightly colder than the rest of the school, heat rises...and I, along with my fellow students, were baking into something that not even Satan would find appealing.  
I peered to the other side of the classroom at my friend Jane, who was doodling in her notebook not even bothering to act as though she cared about whatever joke the teacher was attempting to make. We already finished our in-class exam, so really we don’t have to care anymore, the course is practically finished other than our formal exam.  
I tapped my fingers against the plastic of the desk which I share with some dude who should probably take his personal hygene a little more seriously. The clock could not have moved slower--and no, this was not a cliche count down the last five seconds till the end of school year moment. Science was my second class of the day and there was still approximately fifteen minutes left of this mind numbing idiocy.  
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and like the Stealth Master that I am, I pulled it out and placed it on the desk in plain sight. It turned out to be from Jake pestering me, shocker.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:32 --  
GT: hey chappie, guess what  
TT: what?

My teacher looked at me. He knew what I was doing, and he was annoyed. He knew it, I knew it, hell, even that kid playing Bejweled knew it. Did that stop me? No.

GT: you are obligated to take an educated estimation at the forthcoming thought inhabiting my imagination!

I rolled my eyes animatedly at Jake’s word choice.

TT:You’re pregnant?  
GT: Did I not put EDUCATED in there  
GT: Quite an aberration  
GT: But i will never inform you on my forthcoming contemplation until you make an EDUCATED estimation  
TT: I thought my estimation was more educated than the most educated thing in this school.  
TT: Oh wait, that’s probably me.  
GT: This is exactly what i am articulating  
GT: That presumption you made was terribly inerudite  
TT: I’m wounded.  
TT: Listen, can you just get to the point?  
GT: That is just hunky-dory  
GT: Well the **point** is why are you removed from you creed of fellow cal communicants?  
TT: Don’t even joke about Lil’ Cal.  
TT: Though, I must say, you raise a good question my friend.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum! --

Jake did bring up a good point. Why was I listening to the borderline sexist jokes of my terrible science teacher when the rest of my friends had opted to skip out of their momentarily pointless classes? Other than Jane, which kind of confused me, because surely she hated this teacher as much as myself. I raised my hand, causing a lot of amused looks from my peers and a very exasperated look from the teacher.  
“Sir?” I called out when he tried to ignore me. Can you imagine? “Sir!” I called out, much to the distaste of my teacher. “No, really, I might be dying, bro!” I stood up, covered my mouth and clutched my stomach. I began to cough wildly, but in a very obvious fake way. “J-Jane, I need you...to bring me...to my resting place, so I can once more become one...with...the bros…” She stood and ran over to me, a worried expression on her face.  
“Dirk? Dirk! Speak to me!” She cried out as I collapsed into her arms.  
“J-jane…” I whispered lightly. “The bad jokes...they’ve gotten to me. He’s killed me. I’m dying, Jane.” Her face turned red, when she realized that I wasn’t actually dying, but seemed to sense what I was planning.  
“Sir! I must take him to the nurse! He is dying!” She looked up at the teacher, feigning fear.  
“We don’t even have a nurse at this school!” He shouted back at us. I peeked through one eye.  
“Look, man, after all we’ve done here, you really won’t just let us go? Do you underestimate the effort we went through to get to this point of unbelievable acting? well? Do you?” I asked desperately. “All our friends are outside where it’s nice and free of science guys without any sense of humor.” Over me Jane nodded seriously.  
“That really isn’t any concern of mine.” The teacher said, folding his arms crossly.  
“Well, maybe you could send us to the office or summin’ for insulting you?” I suggested, hopefully. The teacher seemed to consider it until--  
“But Dirk! Going to the office will be really really really bad! Principal Strider will be ma-- Wait!! The principal is your older brother, isn’t he? He won’t be mad at all then we can join Roxy and Ja--” I clasped my face in the Ultimate Facepalm of Doom. Like, legit, that class was lucky to witness such a historic event.  
“Oh, I see! You’re just full of tricks, aren’t you buck-o?” The teacher was so incredibly angry that he was turning a very unattractive purple. “Just...get out of my classroom, both of you!” He breathed out. Jane and I jumped up, high fived and ran out of the class finally free of that awful sense of humor.  
Just. Awful.  
We ran through the hall down the stairs to the foyer then through the foyer to outside. I spotted Jake and Roxy at the basketball court to our right. Jake was dribbling the ball and occasionally tossing it in the general direction of the hoop while Roxy just leaned against the pole holding said hoop up.  
I ran over and stole the ball from Jake, then threw the ball into the net. “You suck at this game. Seriously, have you ever tried aiming at anything ever?” Jake looked over, still processing what just happened. “Dirk?” He asked dumbly.  
I quickly turned around and swept him into my arms. “You called?” He smiled up at me an adorable little smile. Not that I’d admit it to him. I placed him back down onto the ground before turning to Jane. “We only just escaped that teacher, you’ve gotta learn to be more cool under pressure.”  
She huffed at me, crossing her arms. “I am the best un--”  
“I don’t know what you’re about to say, but it’s wrong. Because I am the best.” A familiar yet annoying voice sounded from behind me.  
“Daverella.” I said flatly. “Why are you here?”  
“I pestered you, telling you that we were meeting you here. Remember?” He asked, as if I was stupid. I didn’t remember Dave pestering me. I took out my phone and opened Pesterchum.  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:57 --  
TG: bro  
TG: stop being idle i need to talk to you  
TG: for real  
TG: word on the street is all the cool kids are meeting out on the b-ball court  
TG: thats so ironic i could almost rap about it  
TG: i said almost  
TG: anyways is it cool if egderp and i join yall  
TG: of course it is ill see you there  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --  
I looked down at the text on my screen, what was wrong with my bro?  
“Dave?” I asked, looking up at him through my rad shades. I turned around and saw his leaning on Jade. “Wait, I thought you said Egbert?”  
“I did, but that dork said that he needed the extra class of revision.” He snorted. Jade looked at him with a smile.  
“While you may find that lame, I find it admirable of him to care so much about his grades!”  
“And I find it admirable that you can find something admirable about Egbert.” He said, nuzzling his nose into her hair. I turned to Roxy and Jane who were luckily wearing the same face as I was. My lips were pressed into a straight line, trying to feign impassiveness. That was gross.  
“Well, David, that was a very conspicuous implication as to the disclosure you are about to confide in us!” Jake exclaimed behind me. Wait, what?  
“Jake, what are you--” Jane started, only to be interrupted by Dave.  
“Because Jake--and Jake alone--” Dave glared at me through his less cool, but totally ironic shades, “asks his friends when he is pestered, and knows that I have an announcement to make.” We all stood around Dave and Jade in a semicircle.  
“I don’t think I could ever guess what the announcement could possibly be,” Roxy drawled.  
“I am kind of in love sorta maybe with this dork here,” he said, turning a very fast shade of red as Jade squealed and hugged him tightly around the neck.  
“Aw! Dave! I love you too!!” She said a huge smile on her face. I stared at Dave, feeling as though everything I knew was a lie.  
“Well, Dirk, I suppose this leads us into an undeniable denouement! You owe me twenty dollars!” Jake said, wrapping his arms around my waist. The warmth of his arms holding me caused me to momentarily forget his words.  
“Why-- Oh. Right. Well, the denouement isn’t completely undeniable. It will be once we ask. Because I have a strong feeling that I am not incorrect with my hunch.” The rest of our friends appeared confused. I broke free from Jake and pulled my bro to the side. “Okay, Dave. You are under an oath of truth. DId you or did you not have a thing for John?”  
He looked startled. “I uh...yeah, I did.” he admitted.  
“Oh,” I said, not expecting to be right, “well, what happened?”  
“It doesn’t really matter, does it? I have Jade. Egbert doesn’t even matter, okay?” Jake coughed awkwardly and Dave and I both knew what was behind us before we even looked. “John…” But he was already walking back into the school, angrier than any of us have ever witnessed an Egbert before. “Well, shit.”


	2. Staples (c)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> took a long time but here it is!

“It seems as though he fancies you, Dave,” Jake smiled sweetly at my brother, making my heart melt. I looked back at Dave, agreeing completely with Jake. Dave looked at me, I could tell that past that fine plaster of Strider Pride, he really wanted to go after that boy.

“I don’t care. I love Jade.” He said, swallowed and turned to find his girlfriend. I looked at Jake and he looked at me, the only thing we seemed to be able to communicate was,

John.

We both ran into the building, recalling John had art as his first class, so we checked there first. We ran up the stairs into the art hallway that always had a distant smell of paint and clay.

“John!” Jake called out as he ran down the hall, waving his arm dramatically in greeting. He looked up, confused. It was very obvious by his red face that he was trying not to cry. Jake took the boy in his arms, hugging him until all the hurt was gone. Unfortunately this method was impractical and he decided to stop.

“Let’s make him jealous!” I said suddenly, knowing the only way to truly get to my bro. While he enjoys passing it off as nothing, when he is jealous it causes him to work harder. Jake and John both looked at me.

“What?” They asked in perfect unison and it was so cute.

“Well, Jake and I are both single. Let’s make this kid jealous of John here.” I suggested strongly, “It’ll get to him, for sure.” They seemed to consider it.

“I think it should be you,” John said slowly. We gave him a look urging him to go on. “Well, Jake is more cuddly than you are, so it’d be a shocker for you to be in a relationship. Plus you’re his brother…”

Jake looked at me as we all considered it, all knowing that John was right. Jake moved closer to me, knowing this was his only chance. He moved to wrap his arms around my neck, shocking both the me and John. I sputtered and blushed. There was no longer any kind of doubt. Jake leaned up and pressed his lips to mine.

“Don’t go falling for anyone else, alright?” He smiled sweetly, and I couldn’t really comprehend anything that’d just occurred.

What.

“I--I...never…” I squeaked cooly. The two boys giggled at me.

“Don’t worry, Jake, I’d never steal your boyfriend from you.” John smiled. Suddenly Rose appeared out of the shadows, knowing everything. Like always.

“Jake, John, switch glasses.” SHe said.

“Rose, we can’t just do that, we have prescriptions…” John said nervously.

“The lenses are the same size, we can pop them out and put them together again. Do you trust me, John?” She asked, already removing the spectacles from the boys. She performed her weird perfectness and handed John Jakes glasses and vice versa. They placed the glasses on their faces and John didn’t look that much different to the untrained eye. But it made all the difference to me, causing me to nearly look into the face of Jake rather than that of John Egbert.

“Ready to go cause havoc in the lives of our friends?” She asked menacingly but with a smile. We nodded clarifying that none of this left the four of us. With an agreement we all headed back to the basketball court. I took John’s hand in my own, looking down at him with a slight smile. This was gonna be good.

I noticed how he blushed slightly. I didn’t wonder why, because what was there to wonder about? It is always an exciting experience being with a Strider. We approached our friends and one by one, as if in slow-mo, they dropped what they were doing and gaped.

“Explain. Now.” Jane nearly growled and she grabbed John and hugged him to her chest.

“Isn’t it simple? I love John, but never asked anything of him because I assumed Dave liked him. But since he so crudely pointed out that he doesn’t want John, I made a move. Turns out this dork likes me too and here he are.” I said, then kissed his hand for effect. I looked at Dave and smiled a smile that was not returned.

“Jake?” Jade asked, knowing full well of Jakes emotions. To everyone’s shock and to my discomfort Jakes eyes were full of tears.

“If it means Dirk and John are happy, I can be happy for them, too.” He said tearily. I swallowed, turned and buried my face in John’s hair, hiding my discomfort. He wrapped his arms around me, in an attempt at comfort.

“Thank you, Jake. That is such a great thing for you to do and I will always love you for it.” I said quietly. He seemed to understand my hint and nodded, agreeing. “Dave, what is your opinion?” I asked.

“I don’t care,” he said. “I love Jade, not John, and you can do whatever you want. You’re nearly an adult, are you not? But just a fair warning, John, he draws...stuff.” He said, the innuendo flying straight over the dorky boy’s head.

“Oh, okay.” He said, pretending to know what Dave was talking about.

 

We spent the rest of our week continuously bothering Dave about his lack of John. Though, through all the misadventures that I had with John in order to make Dave jealous, we were getting awfully close, and you could tell that Jake was becoming more anxious that I would break the promise I so faithfully made. Though, in the nighttimes Jake would sleep in my room with me, as he would switch John for the guest room after Dave was safely asleep.

Which brings us to the present where I have Jake firmly in my arms, sleeping soundly. John is removed into the guest room where he is surely far more comfortable. Suddenly I heard a large thud from a couple rooms over, Dave’s room to be precise. Then I heard the soft thuds of Dave’s feet as he ran down the hall. I heard the door slowly creak open as light slowly flooded the room.

“Bro…” His voice cracked. He needn’t say more, I merely opened up my other arm allowing him to crawl into my, thankfully, large bed. I pet his hair for a few minutes while he let his heart rate drop back to that of an average human. “I can’t be with Jade...I mean, I do, I want her still, it’s just, I can’t keep looking at John faking it with you.”

“Faking it?” I asked curiously.

“It is obviously fake. He doesn’t look at you, not in the same way as he looks at me. Not how you look at Jake…” He motioned to the body in my arms. I nodded, so apparently he also had a trained eye when it came to the one he loved.

“You’re right, it’s not.” I concurred, staring down at Jake, unashamed of the love in my eyes. “What are you going to do then, Dave?”

“I love them both, really, I do. I don’t know what to do. Maybe the better thing to do would be to choose neither of them and just go on with life because seriously…” he sighed.

“Who did you first come across, Dave? Who did you first have feelings for?” I asked.

“Well, John, but I asked Jade first. It just wouldn’t be right.” We stared at each other for a moment in deep contemplation when we heard a loud buzz come from under Jake’s pillow.

“Mm sorry,” he moaned, grabbing for his phone. We watched as he retrieved it, groaned in horror as he turned down the brightness of his screen and read the pester he seemed to receive.

“Dave?” He asked, as if taking attendance. Dave hummed in acknowledgment. “Jade wants a divorce.” He said, throwing his phone at the blonde before sinking back into sleep on my chest. Okay then.

“Well, that solves that.” I muttered but Dave yelled loudly.

“Why the fuck even?!” He was outraged, “All of this struggle for THIS?” The door creaked open again as Dave began on an unmentionable rant. John was suddenly standing near the door, in a very cute and unsure position. All he knew was that his name was being thrown angrily around by the person he loved.

“Dave...Dave….DAVE!” I attempted at getting his attention, while Jake was stirring angrily due to all the noise Dave was making. I seemed to succeed and caused complete silence to follow.

“I swear to GOD I will chop you both up, place you in a blender and feed you to our friends.” Jake whispered dangerously to us. I chose to ignore him and continued to address my bro. I picked up Jakes phone and read the pesterchum.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 1:43 --

GG: hey jake! :)

GG: i was messaging you to ask you if you could speak to dave

GG: or even talk to dirk and get him to do it :B

GG: i knew going into this relationship that it wouldnt last

GG: dont ask how! i just did! :)

GG: but i need to break up with dave he would be happier with john :) <3

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum! --

Oh.

Well, that solved pretty much everyone’s problems right there. That was convenient. Someone go get a Staples button, we’ll be playing that slogan all up the West Coast. ‘That was easy.’ Though I am nearly absolutely positive that Jade is on the other side of the screen crying. I took a deep breathe and was quick to curse high school for all the drama and whatnot. 

Dave was still extremely upset, and even the comforting embrace I offered was not enough to coax the little man into believing it wasn’t his fault.

Things happen.

All you can do is give it time.

“Take a breath, Dave.” You heard John from somewhere in the room.

“I hope you’ll be okay, Dave,” Jake said, now awake and with 158% less attitude.

“The void in your heart will heal. You can’t make it through life without shedding some blood, but you are not doomed, there is always light at the end of the tunnel!” I said, hugging Dave.  
What other choice did he have other than to believe me?


End file.
